Two days ago, I graduated again. I should be excited, but I don’t really feel anything more than general satisfaction. My mind, you see, is too filled with ‘If onlys’ to be excited. If only I’d studied harder in my first degree. If only I’d done a different degree. If only I’d gone back to school sooner. If only I’d been more proactive about my job search.
I’m sure many of you have experienced a raging case of the ‘if only’s’. They are those pernicious thoughts about where you would be if only things had happened differently. And while it’s not necessarily the worst thing in the world to be aware of how life could have turned out differently for you, quite a few of us limbo dwellers find that that alternate ‘if only’ life is all we can think about. We find ourselves consumed with bright, shiny images of that successful, fulfilling other life. And inevitably, those images cast a long shadow over the life we are actually leading. We cannot help but view our actual life as worse on every count, even if we still have many wonderful things in it. Worst of all, focusing only on our ‘if only’ alternate life can make us feel as if we have nothing to look forward to. I’m willing to bet that many of you will agree with me that it often seems as if there’s no point in trying to get out of limbo, because our chance for a better future has already passed us by. But has it?
No, it hasn’t. In theory, we all know this. In practice? Clearing your mind of the if only’s is much harder, as even success in life can trigger thoughts of how you could have done even better. Here are a few of the things that have (and haven’t!) helped me. How do you deal with them? Comment away and let us know!
1. Outright avoidance. One of the first things I did was to simply stop thinking about what I could have done. I’m not talking about ‘overcoming’ them, or any of that nonsense. Instead, I went into denial that things could have turned out differently. I pretended that I didn’t really care about the fact that I could have been furthering my studies instead of sitting around at home and half-heartedly looking for a job. While this made me feel better about my current situation, it didn’t help me address what had got me into that situation in the first place. And underneath my denial I knew the truth - that I could have been doing something better.
2. Giving in. The problem with avoidance is that often the if only’s come back in full force at the slightest opportunity! As soon as you begin to acknowledge that you could have done something else, you can’t help but think what else you’ve missed out on! Why didn’t you listen your parents and apply for that internship? Why didn’t you ignore your parents and study what you really wanted to study? Before too long, you find yourself practically paralyzed with all the various possibilities you once had, and now think are gone forever. I felt a bit better that I was acknowledging my circumstances, but even worse once I took a long, hard look at my life.
3. Downplay the if only’s. After giving in to the fact that yes, if I had done things differently, my life would look very different, I began to come up with reasons as to why such an alternate life wouldn’t have been so great after all. I would have been too young to start such an intense program! I definitely would have failed at it. Oh, I would have been stuck in a job that I hated! That alternate life would actually have been worse than the one I have now! It’s much better that things turned out the way they did.
Look - this may be true. It may be the case that the life you would have led would have been worse than the one you are leading now. However, it’s not certain that this is so! Pretending that your life is going better than any other possible way is just as bad as outright avoidance. At some point, your rational brain is going to kick in and say ‘Hey! You know, it probably would have been easier if I’d got that well-paying job’ and then you may very well find your illusion crumbling around you. So what do you do?
4. All of the above. No, really. I’ve learnt that for me, a few if only’s aren’t so bad after all. They help to remind me that I don’t have to be satisfied with living in limbo if it’s not fulfilling for me. I could have done differently - so why don’t I try? I don’t think about them all the time, but to a certain extent they’re still there. It’s good to remember that your decisions, however small, can have a lasting effect on your life. Depending on what you’ve done, your life could have been easier or harder than it is. It took me a while, but eventually I recognized that this is perfectly okay. However, the really important thing is to focus on the life you have now. What will make your future the best one possible? Use your only ifs to remind you of how much potential your life has. In fact, I prefer to translate them into ‘what ifs’. What if I decided to volunteer for a bit? What would what future look like? What if I applied for that job after all? You can get excited about these what ifs, because they don’t belong to a life that has passed you by. They’re part of a future that just has yet to come.
I’m sure many of you have experienced a raging case of the ‘if only’s’. They are those pernicious thoughts about where you would be if only things had happened differently. And while it’s not necessarily the worst thing in the world to be aware of how life could have turned out differently for you, quite a few of us limbo dwellers find that that alternate ‘if only’ life is all we can think about. We find ourselves consumed with bright, shiny images of that successful, fulfilling other life. And inevitably, those images cast a long shadow over the life we are actually leading. We cannot help but view our actual life as worse on every count, even if we still have many wonderful things in it. Worst of all, focusing only on our ‘if only’ alternate life can make us feel as if we have nothing to look forward to. I’m willing to bet that many of you will agree with me that it often seems as if there’s no point in trying to get out of limbo, because our chance for a better future has already passed us by. But has it?
No, it hasn’t. In theory, we all know this. In practice? Clearing your mind of the if only’s is much harder, as even success in life can trigger thoughts of how you could have done even better. Here are a few of the things that have (and haven’t!) helped me. How do you deal with them? Comment away and let us know!
1. Outright avoidance. One of the first things I did was to simply stop thinking about what I could have done. I’m not talking about ‘overcoming’ them, or any of that nonsense. Instead, I went into denial that things could have turned out differently. I pretended that I didn’t really care about the fact that I could have been furthering my studies instead of sitting around at home and half-heartedly looking for a job. While this made me feel better about my current situation, it didn’t help me address what had got me into that situation in the first place. And underneath my denial I knew the truth - that I could have been doing something better.
2. Giving in. The problem with avoidance is that often the if only’s come back in full force at the slightest opportunity! As soon as you begin to acknowledge that you could have done something else, you can’t help but think what else you’ve missed out on! Why didn’t you listen your parents and apply for that internship? Why didn’t you ignore your parents and study what you really wanted to study? Before too long, you find yourself practically paralyzed with all the various possibilities you once had, and now think are gone forever. I felt a bit better that I was acknowledging my circumstances, but even worse once I took a long, hard look at my life.
3. Downplay the if only’s. After giving in to the fact that yes, if I had done things differently, my life would look very different, I began to come up with reasons as to why such an alternate life wouldn’t have been so great after all. I would have been too young to start such an intense program! I definitely would have failed at it. Oh, I would have been stuck in a job that I hated! That alternate life would actually have been worse than the one I have now! It’s much better that things turned out the way they did.
Look - this may be true. It may be the case that the life you would have led would have been worse than the one you are leading now. However, it’s not certain that this is so! Pretending that your life is going better than any other possible way is just as bad as outright avoidance. At some point, your rational brain is going to kick in and say ‘Hey! You know, it probably would have been easier if I’d got that well-paying job’ and then you may very well find your illusion crumbling around you. So what do you do?
4. All of the above. No, really. I’ve learnt that for me, a few if only’s aren’t so bad after all. They help to remind me that I don’t have to be satisfied with living in limbo if it’s not fulfilling for me. I could have done differently - so why don’t I try? I don’t think about them all the time, but to a certain extent they’re still there. It’s good to remember that your decisions, however small, can have a lasting effect on your life. Depending on what you’ve done, your life could have been easier or harder than it is. It took me a while, but eventually I recognized that this is perfectly okay. However, the really important thing is to focus on the life you have now. What will make your future the best one possible? Use your only ifs to remind you of how much potential your life has. In fact, I prefer to translate them into ‘what ifs’. What if I decided to volunteer for a bit? What would what future look like? What if I applied for that job after all? You can get excited about these what ifs, because they don’t belong to a life that has passed you by. They’re part of a future that just has yet to come.
I like it! Turning 'if only's' into 'what if's'.... Realize the far-reaching impact small decisions have on your life without becoming paralyzed by indecision in the process. I keep forgetting that I'm still young :P I still have time to make small decisions (and big ones) that will change my life for the better.
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